I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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