I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
