saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
