I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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