I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What a dumb baby whore.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
