you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
