mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
