I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize