I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
