I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
