I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
