hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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