I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
