Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
