just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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