I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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