I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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