Someone shit on the floor
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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