Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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