Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
