Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
