what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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