just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
