I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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