Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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