you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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