If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
