i already hear my dad disowning me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Vodka?
Forever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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