I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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