I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
