Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize