Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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