there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
