It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
