I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
