I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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