dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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