she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
