When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
