fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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