is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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