With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Randomize
