there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
