Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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