god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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