yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Houston, we have a blender
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
