So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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