fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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