Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
