my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
