I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
