after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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