am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
