My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
