Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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