your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
