Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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