u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
40s are totally the cure
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
