I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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