What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
