your parents love me but you hate me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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