I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
