A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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