How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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