I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
